Man of the House

Hey, lady.

It was recently made startlingly apparent to me why there had been so many boxes strewn about for the past couple of weeks.  And I have to say, it was really nice of you and the man to purchase this new home for me.  Really, really nice.  However, that doesn’t mean you get off scot-free.  I still have a few bones to pick with you, which means we need to lay down some new house rules.

1.  There appear to be more rooms in this new house than there were in the last one.  This makes it harder for me to keep my eye on you.  Therefore, you must check in with me at least once an hour so I can be sure you’re not causing any trouble.

2.  The new windowsills aren’t roomy enough for me to sit on comfortably.  However, the spacious counter below the window in the kitchen is just perfect.  This must mean you plan on amending your “no-cats-on-the-counter” rule.

3.  There are two bathrooms in this house.  TWO.  I hope this doesn’t mean my annual number of baths is going to double.

4.  It appears there is another cat living here, but he spends all of his time in the bathroom and I’m pretty sure he’s mocking me (photographic evidence below).  You must make it a priority to stop this.  No one mocks Winston Montgomery.  No one.

Winston

Tent-ative Disturbance

Hey, lady.

What is this?  Why are you setting up this cardboard tent over my napping place?  I don’t like it.  It smells funny and it’s blocking my view.  Is this some sort of a punishment?  You must be really angry about the poop incident…

DO NOT LIKE!

Wait, why are you taking it away?  I said I didn’t like it, but I didn’t tell you to take it away.  I’ve decided it’s not so bad, after all.  Orville looks a little jealous (good) and I’m kind of hidden…I feel “stealthy” (extra good).  Yeah, I really think you need to leave it.

Winston

It’s growing on me.

What the fuzz?!

Snooze Guard

Hey, lady.

There are no words to describe how comfortable I am on the man’s lap right now.  There are also no words to describe how brokenhearted I will be if he decides to stand up.

This is where YOU come in.  Your job is to stand guard and make sure the man doesn’t get up for any reason at all.  Not to get something to drink, not to go out in the garage and work on his bicycles, not even if a freakin’ plane crashes into the house.  I want nothing to come between me and this glorious comfort.

You can handle that, right?

Winston

Who needs a stuffed animal to cuddle when you’ve got your own foot?

Fleeting Victory

Hey, lady.

Today was a BIG day for me.  I finally got Orville in a trap he couldn’t get out of.  Since the day you brought him home, I’ve chased him into some pretty good, tight spots–under the furniture, behind the TV stand, behind the washing machine–but he’s always been lucky enough to have an easy way out.  Today wasn’t so lucky for him, though:

How do you like me meow?

No sooner had I begun celebrating my victory than you and the man swooped in and “rescued” the little twerp.  Does it feel good to ruin your favorite cat’s proudest moment?  I am your favorite, right?  I mean, I’d have to be.  I am so disappointed.  Now I’ll have to start all over in my quest to imprison Orville, which is unfortunate because I was really looking forward to a lazy evening.

Winston

Traitors!

Trick or Treat

Hey, lady.

I’ve counted at least 712 children that have rang the doorbell tonight.  Wait, that’s not right.  Counting isn’t really my strong suit…

Anyway, my point is that a LOT of kids have come to the door tonight.  And as you know, I’m a pretty smart cat.  Don’t think I haven’t made the connection between the doorbell ringing and people coming inside to give me pets and attention.  So here’s the problem:  all these kids have been coming to the door and every single time, you give them candy from this dish and then they disappear.

You’ve left me no choice but to take control of the situation.  I’m going to guard this candy and if you even think about giving any to the next kids to ring the doorbell, I’m going to give you a real reason to scream this Halloween.

Winston

Imposter

Hey, lady.

The gig is up.  I’ll admit, my heart was a-racin’ when I first heard something scurrying around the outside of my box.  It could have been anything: a bug, a mouse, a bird, a squirrel, that little red dot that’s always chasing Orville and me…

Imagine my disappointment when I discovered it was YOU the whole time.  Dragging your fingers along the side of the box, getting my hopes up.  Yes, I have eyes.  I can see what’s happening, you know.

IMPOSTER!

Now, be a good human and make it up to me by fetching me a kitty treat.  Or two.  Or twenty.

Winston

Don’t worry–whatever it is, I’ve got it!

Wait, what? It was YOU the whole time?

A Little Help Here?

Hey, lady.

First off, I have to say it was really cool of you to bring home this mouse for me.  I knew that aside from the fact that you’re the Keeper of the Food, there was at least one more good reason to keep you around.  It’s almost impossible to name a single thing as satisfying as eating the tail off of these little furry mice.  Mmmmmm.

So, here’s the problem.  After I ate its tail, I knocked it off the cat tree and pushed it around on the floor for a little bit.  Now it’s lodged way back underneath the stove and neither you nor the man seem to give two hoots about it.  Sheesh.  I hope your level of affection for me isn’t measured by the lengths to which you’ll go to help me retrieve my lost toys.  A stove isn’t that hard to move, is it?

Winston

Starting with the head…saving the best for last.

 

Gearing Up

Hey, lady.

You’ve been talking a lot lately about “Halloween,” so I can only assume it’s approaching.  I like Halloween.  How could I dislike an evening that consists of dozens of children visiting the house and scaring Orville out of his wits?  (Seriously, he’s such a wuss.)

To get in the spirit, I thought I’d try out a couple of different scary faces.  I know, I know…how could such a cute ball of fluff like myself ever look scary, right?  Call it good acting.  I’m just naturally talented that way.

So, lady, which one has you shaking in your boots the most?  There’s no wrong answer, but I’ll give you a hint:  It’s either A or B.

Winston

A. (This one is accompanied by death breath.)

B. (This one is accented by big, looming shadows.)

Anger Management

Hey, lady.

You and the man give me funny looks every time I attack the cat tree.  Apparently you don’t understand that if it weren’t for your silly “rules,” I wouldn’t feel the need to let so much anger out.  I mean, why is it so wrong that I want to corner Orville behind the TV stand, eat random things off the floor, chew on your cell phone charger, and scoop the food out of my dish and spread it all over the kitchen floor?

It also might have something to do with all the catnip you sprinkle on the cat tree.  But I’m not going to gripe about it because I sure as heck don’t want you to stop.

Winston

Rawr.

Slow Day

Hey, lady.

There’s something about the way you’re shaking your fingers over my head right now that has me ridiculously captivated.  Normally I’d choose to sleep right through it.  I don’t know why you humans think we cats are amused by fingers.  Don’t let my momentary interest fool you into thinking I’ll enjoy this again.  It’s probably only because I’m bored.

Winston

Have you always had five of those things?