Who doesn’t love a fat cat?

Hey, lady.

I’ve heard through the grapevine that people swoon over chubby cats. So why in the floof do you have me on this new diet and exercise plan?

I overheard you tell the man you want me to lose a whole pound by my next vet checkup in a little over a month. And actually, I’ve enjoyed the new toys you’ve been bringing home–like a crisp new crinkly tube and catnip mice and feather wands. You’ve even been getting me outside more on the leash. At first this all seemed like a most excellent arrangement, but that was before I learned about the “D” word.


I’m not fat, I’m…well, yeah, I’m fat. So what?

In protest, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been eating the little bits of carpet I’ve scratched off the cat tree. I won’t go down without a fight. And so far it seems to be working! My initial weigh-in was 16.8 pounds and nine days later I sat at a beautiful 17.2 pounds, despite increased exercise and near-starvation.

Neener-neener! Good luck!



Don’t call me trashy

Hey, lady.

I know you’re still upset with me over the other night. I’m sure it was a considerable fright to you that I knocked over the bathroom trash can in the middle of the night while you were in a deep, deep sleep. That thing was full, heavy, and LOUD.

From your grumbling to the Man, I’m getting the vibe you’re also upset about having to pick up piles of trash off of the floor at 1 am. I cannot sympathize with you here as this seems like a strange hour to be asleep in the first place.

Anyway. I wanted to be sure you were aware of my reason for invading the trash can to begin with. See, when I try to lick Orville’s special cat food lids before you throw them in the trash, I get chased off the counter and scolded. You leave me no choice but to raid the trash cans in search of these precious treasures while you are asleep and unaware. If you would just give them to me kindly, I would find something else to occupy my nights while you sleep.

This is my ‘I’m-guilty-but-it’s-not-going-to-stop-me’ face.

You might also consider emptying that trash. Do you have any idea how many tissues I had to dig through?!


Holidays, Sleeping, Windows

New Year, Old Me

Hey, lady.

New year.

Yeah, I know the “right” thing to say is “happy new year,” but there’s nothing happier about today than any other day, soooooo…

Anyway, I’ve heard about these new year’s resolutions and at first I wasn’t keen on the idea. I mean, I’m already the best possible version of myself so what’s the point? But then I got to thinking about it, and although I don’t want to make a “resolution” per se, there are some goals I’ve set for myself just to get a little extra satisfaction out of 2019.

  1. Maintain my weight. I’m a plump, perfect 17 pounds and hope to stay that way.
  2. Get at least an hour of sun a day. I know I griped about the new house in my last post, but if I’m being honest the windows here are THE BEST for napping in the sun.
  3. Smell something new every day.
  4. Escape to the great outdoors once in awhile. This would be easier if you’d stop patrolling the doors like a prison guard.
  5. Explore the inside of every drawer in the house.

It feels good to have goals. Every cat needs something to work toward. I’ll get started on these right after this ten hour nap.



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Asthma, dogs, kids, Uncategorized


Hey, lady.

I know you tried to keep me from posting but I have a lot of free time on my hands and I finally figured out how to hack into my account.

My devoted fans deserve some updates. You have certainly had some surprises for me over the past few years.

Surprise #1: The Dog
Shortly after my last post, you brought home that obnoxious lump of brown fur. At first she was half my size and now she’s half your size, but she seems to think she’s still half my size. Also, she smells like stale cat food inside of an old sock.


Surprise #2: The Kid
If I thought the dog was a big, bad surprise, it turns out you were just getting warmed up. A year after the Dog arrived, you came home with yet another creature half my size. This one also got much bigger and she still seems to be growing, and she’s a lot smarter than the Dog. She has what appears to be an unhealthy obsession with my tail, but she does have the coziest blankets I’ve ever encountered, so I suppose I’m willing to tolerate her presence.



Surprise #3: The Asthma
I’ll give you credit, when I started having those coughing and breathing fits, you were pretty good to me. But had I known you’d take me to the VET and I’d be stuck in that ungodly X-RAY contraption, and that THEN I would have to use a–whatsitcalled–“inhaler” every day, I probably would have run for the hills when I had the chance.


Surprise #4: The House
I can’t count so I’m going to guess this is the 18th house we’ve moved to in my lifetime. It’s 25 too many.

(Response from the Lady: It’s only the fourth, and you love it here. For the record.)

Anyway, I hope you’re proud of yourself for making my fans miss out on these very important developments in my life. I’ll be changing the password later so you can’t stop me from posting ever again. By the way, the security question I chose is “What’s your favorite movie,” and you are never going to guess.


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Holidays, Sleeping

Bag Boy

Hey, lady.

I was a little skeptical last night when the boy was tossing all that noisy, crinkly paper around the room as he was “opening his birthday presents,” I think you called it.  I even produced one of my infamous death glares as you wrapped me up in some of this paper like I was a baby being swaddled.

IMG_0251Since you look a little confused, let me explain why you’ve now discovered me curled up for a Sunday nap inside this gift bag.  Once the paper was gathered up and stuffed into the bottom of the bag, I realized it can be tamed and, therefore, there was nothing to be afraid of.  It also provides the ideal amount of padding that makes a perfect substitute for the basket of freshly cleaned laundry you don’t want me sleeping in.

I don’t know why you’re bringing up the fact that the bag toppled over just as I was drifting off into a deep sleep.  Your photographic “proof” of the gift bag sagging under my weight is nothing more than an optical illusion.

Anyway, if this thing ends up in the trash like all the other great things I find to lie on around here, I’m sleeping on your clean towels.  Just sayin’.




Being Large and In Charge, Other Cats

An Inconvenient Truth

Hey, lady.

You seem to think I need to share all of my things with Orville.  My food, my litter, my windows…oh, the list goes on.  My point is, you have this idea that when everybody shares, we’ll all get along.

Tonight I was pretty pumped up about curling up for a nap in the cradle at the top of my–I mean, “our”–cat tree.  But when I stepped into the living room, I saw that Orville was already sleeping there.  No worry, I thought to myself.  We can share that spot!  The lady would be proud of me for taking the initiative to share with Orville.

Extra padding, just the way I like it.
Extra padding, just the way I like it.

The problem is, Orville didn’t want to share.  I didn’t feel I deserved to suffer just because he wasn’t being polite, so I squeezed in the best I could.  And by “in,” I mean “on.”  And by “on,” I mean I lied down right on top of Orville.  But let’s not forget what’s important here:  we were sharing!

Lady, there’s no need to bring up the fact that Orville eventually screamed out when he realized he couldn’t move under my weight.  That’s completely beside the point.  You don’t have to yell at me…sheesh.

Anywho, don’t expect me to put any further effort into this “sharing” you keep speaking of.  You had your chance and you blew it.