I know you tried to keep me from posting but I have a lot of free time on my hands and I finally figured out how to hack into my account.
My devoted fans deserve some updates. You have certainly had some surprises for me over the past few years.
Surprise #1: The Dog
Shortly after my last post, you brought home that obnoxious lump of brown fur. At first she was half my size and now she’s half your size, but she seems to think she’s still half my size. Also, she smells like stale cat food inside of an old sock.
Surprise #2: The Kid
If I thought the dog was a big, bad surprise, it turns out you were just getting warmed up. A year after the Dog arrived, you came home with yet another creature half my size. This one also got much bigger and she still seems to be growing, and she’s a lot smarter than the Dog. She has what appears to be an unhealthy obsession with my tail, but she does have the coziest blankets I’ve ever encountered, so I suppose I’m willing to tolerate her presence.
Surprise #3: The Asthma
I’ll give you credit, when I started having those coughing and breathing fits, you were pretty good to me. But had I known you’d take me to the VET and I’d be stuck in that ungodly X-RAY contraption, and that THEN I would have to use a–whatsitcalled–“inhaler” every day, I probably would have run for the hills when I had the chance.
Surprise #4: The House
I can’t count so I’m going to guess this is the 18th house we’ve moved to in my lifetime. It’s 25 too many.
(Response from the Lady: It’s only the fourth, and you love it here. For the record.)
Anyway, I hope you’re proud of yourself for making my fans miss out on these very important developments in my life. I’ll be changing the password later so you can’t stop me from posting ever again. By the way, the security question I chose is “What’s your favorite movie,” and you are never going to guess.
(Follow me on Instagram right meow)